#1 December 10, 2018

For my first post, I thought It would be appropriate to describe where I am at.

It’s Monday 5.20 pm, and I am lying on in bed on my day off from work with one thing on my mind; like something from “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green these thoughts spiral from one moment. one word. one feeling. into something truly awful. As if halfway through a walk in a desert, an uncontrollable storm picks you up by the shoulders and throws you around like we all have done on with our characters on the Wii home screen. Yet at the same time – nothing.

Suicidal ideation.

I can pinpoint the exact moment where I looked at myself in the mirror and stopped pretending.

                 p r e t e n d i n g   I was okay

                 p r e t e n d i n g   I had it all together.

                 p r e t e n d i n g  how I felt.

I was invited to a birthday gathering at a popular bar in town. But on my journey there, something   t e r r i b l e  happened to me. I won’t go into the details of what made me so upset, but what I can tell you is what I did about it. With my mind in knots and blood flowing through me so fast I could feel my arms and legs throbbing about to give way, I stumbled into the bar and located my friends. Being as inconspicuous as possible, I locked eyes with my friend and gave them a look as if to say: “I’m not okay, but I don’t wanna make a big deal about it”. Who knew there was a facial expression for that? I don’t know how I did it, but in one look, I was able to tell them that I was a dam one drop of water away from breaking. Anyway, I sat down next to them and quietly asked where the bathroom was. They immediately stood up and showed me to the bathroom walking to my right to hide my – I’m not okay, but I don’t wanna make a big deal about it – face from the crowds of people   a c t u a l l y   having a good night. As we approached the bathroom, they held my had and drew something out of their mouth – which I couldn’t quite decipher – as I slid into the bathroom. I found an empty stall. I locked the door. As I collapsed on the bathroom seat, the one drop of water broke open the dam to allow years of suppressed tears. I can quite comfortably say that was one of the worst moments of my life. I had never cried so much. If it wasn’t for the tears, it was shaking. gasping breaths. my – sure to be bruised in the morning – head that placed itself against the bathroom wall that stopped my body from falling to the ground. I felt so weak I didn’t even have it in me to even sit myself up on the toilet seat.

I heard someone enter the bathroom and call my name. I opened the door to reveal the aftermath of what felt like hours; a floor of tissues and engraved lines that ran down my face. The rest of the night was everyone not only avoiding elephant in the room, but distracting me from it; because, although my best efforts, I might be able to hide my – I’m not okay but I don’t want to make a big deal about it – face, but I could not erase the obscure amount of time I had been in the bathroom.

I don’t blame what happened that day for how I have felt ever since. It’s only because of that moment that I decided to not hide how I was really feeling. Put simply, from that day, I just gave up. By not distracting myself from how I was feeling, it allowed myself to experience all the pain, hate and frustration built inside me until what was left was, and still remains, suicidal ideation. But little did I know what else I had been hiding for so many years…

In terms of blogs, expect the following!

• abstract poetry
• song lyrics
• quotes
• thoughts and ideas
• personal updates