Right – so the other day I was sitting at home on my day off watching movies.
Not a rare sight for me when I have spare time.
Just me in my natural habitat minding my own business, distracting myself from reality – my reality. However, whenever I have nothing to do, I hear a voice inside my head saying “carpe diem! do something! imagine all of the things you could do, only if you got off your butt and put on foot in front of the other!” – in my defense, it was a stunning day.
I hate this voice. Why would I want to move from my very comfortable state out into the world?
a world that is a fading, fabricated, fragile, facade
a world that screams for our attention, but speaks only of disappointment
a world that glorifies oppression by putting a price tag on it to make billions
None of these excuses stopped that voice inside my head. So what did I do?
I stopped my movie midway. I got my John Green tote bag. I put on my white linen shirt. I cleaned up my – just woken up, though its 6pm – face. and I walked to the supermarket. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to buy, but I knew I just needed to get out of the house.
See, I have never been fond of supermarkets. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of grocery shopping. But, as I’m sure some of you can resonate to some degree with, going out alone is an anxiety-inducing experience. I then had two voices inside my head; one telling me to do something, and the other telling me to do the complete opposite. I’m not quite sure if there’s a way of describing this juxtaposition of emotions, all I can say is that I feel like this a l l the time. Every decision I make, I hear two voices telling me to do different things and I’m left here not knowing which one to listen to. Nevertheless, I went.
I won’t bore you with the details of how it went. What I will say, is that I went. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I checked my phone more times than I needed to. At times I found it hard to breathe. My palms became sweaty – gross, I know. I began to breathe faster than normal. And all I could feel inside was my body trembling to the core – but on the outside? A normal human being grabbing a random assortment of confectionary.
SIDENOTE: on the way back, I picked up some rubbish and I felt very good about it because I see so much rubbish on the streets and it is NOT okay.
Why am I writing about this? Because despite the indecision
despite the anxiety
despite how I feel
I put one foot in front of the other and did something. And in a week with enough moments and emotions to convince myself that life isn’t worth it – that makes everything a little bit more bearable.